The number on the scale frightened me. Maybe it was a glitch or the weight of the person who had come before me. Deep down, though, I knew it was no mistake. In the span of a summer, I had gained over 15 pounds, and the weight of my shame, pain, and confusion weighed on me like a thousand bricks.
Have you ever been so hungry that, no matter how much you eat, it never seems like enough? Maybe you had just finished fasting, or the doctor’s appointment ran long, and you didn’t pack any snacks. I’ve been there. Actually, I was there for the entirety of my summer as a junior in college. What was supposed to be a productive summer working on the school’s yearbook and starting my own book turned into long days fraught with questions and restless nights echoing the words of David in Psalm 13: “How long, O Lord, Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me” (v.1, NKJV)
After struggling with obsessive thoughts about food and my body image throughout 2019, God had been healing me. His Word was cleansing me. His people were comforting me. His Son was becoming my only focus. He even turned my fear of food into a ministry! In his grace, he was showing me that food is not the enemy and that I could freely delight in it, even if it sometimes meant I indulged in a high-calorie treat. Jesus came to free us from the spirit of bondage (Romans 8:15) that is food fixation, and extends an invitation to call out to our Father in thanksgiving and praise for what food does for our bodies! Food heals our physical bodies and strengthens the body of Christ as we share it in fellowship.
While this was all wonderful, I began to experience extreme hunger pangs as soon as summer started. I would eat lunch and immediately crave another meal the next hour. I couldn’t eat without fearing what would happen next. I couldn’t make sense of it at all. I did everything I could that was in my control: I decreased my workout time, extended my sleep time at night, and went down to my knees each day, pleading to God for the wisdom he alone could give.
I asked the Lord: how long?
While I was struggling with physical pain from the hunger pangs, the unknown gave birth to a more visceral pain—the pain of abandonment. I cried out to my Father every day, prioritizing His Word and time with other believers when everything in me told me to do this on my own. But I still got no answer.
Yet God was faithful to show me that this “no answer” was not without his compassion. In his book A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis lays down similar questions I had posed to God, and this is what the Lord responds:
"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand."
Peace child
You don’t understand
“The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.” (Deuteronomy 29:29, ESV)
Some things only belong to God, including the understanding behind why certain things happen the way they do. But all the knowledge we need to trust him is revealed throughout Scripture. While I still didn’t get it, and my physical pain didn’t diminish, God was faithful to provide as I obeyed his commandments. He provided abounding comforts, peace as I ate, and delight in him, his people, and His Word.
I didn’t have to understand. All I needed was to obey his commands, and he would provide for my needs and save me from my fears.
And after weeks of seeking an answer, God placed in my heart the name of a nutrition center to visit while on vacation with my family. All I wanted was to control my hunger and the ever-increasing number on the scale. But God was finally showing me the way, and I needed to take this step of trust. As he promised in His Word, the Lord had kept me firm in my faith (1 Corinthians 1:8) throughout the summer, and that was enough to trust that he would still be in control at the nutritionist and beyond.
Through medicine and lifestyle changes, God delivered me from my incessant hunger, and the aftermath of that summer came in waves of mixed emotions. I was so thankful that my extreme hunger pangs were gone, but I still struggled with fear of it happening again, inconsistent thyroid levels, and weight gain.
But one thing I knew: God was worthy of my trust. He delivered me once, and he would do it again. Hear the ending words of Psalm 13:
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.” (v.5, ESV)
Why is he trustworthy? He saved you from eternal death because his love for you never changes. It is steadfast. It is bountiful.
Sister, you have a mighty savior who sings over you with gladness (Zephaniah 3:17, NLT). Even in the silence, he is still singing that same song, saving you from fears and underlying spiritual battles you might not even know are happening. He is your temporary savior as much as he is your eternal savior. He is the God of your salvation!
In the no answers, the waiting, and the delayed (in our timing, of course) answers, we can fix our gaze on God’s salvation and remember that because he has dealt bountifully with us once, he will do it again.
- Ela
About Ela:
We all need a reminder that we are not alone in what we are walking through. If you can you relate to Ela's story let us know in the comments below.
