As an Air Force spouse, I’ve had the opportunity and challenge of moving around the country every few years. Because of this, I’ve been a member of a variety of different Christian communities. My husband and I learned quickly in this lifestyle that our church community would become our family in each new place. We made it a habit to consider new churches before our arrival, commit ourselves to one quickly and get involved in a small group. After 15 years, we aren’t experts, but we have noticed that there are a few things that stand out in flourishing Christian communities. Apart from keeping Christ and his Word as the true center of the group, the following are a handful of core beliefs that lie beneath the healthy communities that we have been part of.
Being in community is an essential part of our life with God.
It is clear in His Word that God means for us to live life together (Hebrews 10:25). We are made for it. We act as little mirrors of God to one another, bringing each other the good news and calling one another up into lives of joy and holiness. This does not mean that Christian community is always harmonious and idyllic. Christian community is not chiefly about giving us a particular feeling. It’s not about what we can come to consume or about helping us get through our days, though it often serves this purpose. We’re meant to come to Christian community (or any community, for that matter) ready to serve, love and give. Living together unto God requires sacrifice, long-suffering and an eye for the needs of others. There aren’t always quick returns, but when we prioritize community, we are making investments that will have great rewards in the life to come. We are part of the family of God (1 John 3:1), and believing that we are family helps us to stay committed to one another in community.
Everyone is in a different season in their walk with God.
When we come into a group of believers, it can be tempting to believe everyone is at their best or most mature. The truth is that each believer is unique in their gifts and struggles. Some Christians have spent decades studying God’s truth; some have spent days. Some folks you do life with might be on the other side of a major sin struggle while others are not even aware they have one. Some will be in seasons of doubt or grief, while others are celebrating. Some may be deeply committed to Christian community, while others are sorting through past hurts from the church.
We ought not come into a community expecting everyone to be at or above our own maturity level. I have often made this mistake and been frustrated by what appeared to me as a lack of commitment to the group. Instead, we get the opportunity to meet people right where they are at, not where we want them to be. We can learn to listen well and practice holding our tongues. We can give our brothers and sisters grace out of God’s abundant supply (James 4:6) and think the best of them. In fact, we are called to invest in the lives of those less mature and seek wisdom from those who are beyond us in maturity (Titus 2). We can encourage each other and call one another up into a life of godliness (2 Corinthians 3:11), no matter where each one is in their relationship with God.
You may not like everyone, and everyone may not like you.
This one is hard. God has made us all uniquely, which means we won’t see the world exactly the same way as the person sitting next to us on the couch at small group. It’s easy to put each other into boxes based on our theology, politics or relationship skills. I confess that I’ve done so. We often come into these groups looking for camaraderie, friendship or kindred spirits – and by God’s grace, we may indeed find them! But we can’t expect our real Christian communities to look like our dreams. There will be folks in our communities that rub us the wrong way. We won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea. This is to be expected.
Theologian Deitrich Bonhoeffer, in his foundational book on community called Life Together, says this: “He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.” Challenging relationships in community are not a sign that we need to drop everything and leave.* They are a sign that we need to examine our expectations and dreams for community and ask God to help us love the actual community we’re in. With the help of the Holy Spirit, we can love the folks that are hard to love – and they can love us when we’re hard to love, too.
Confession, repentance, and humility take a group to the next level of intimacy.
In our travels, we have struggled alongside several small group members who seemed determined to stay at surface level. This remains a great challenge to us, after having experienced deep, life-changing communities. We’ve found that groups who are committed to confessing sin, repenting honestly, forgiving one another, and keeping an attitude of humility are the groups in which we’ve experienced the deepest fellowship and life change. We all must come willing to share our real lives with one another and to carry each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Sharing life together is a great gift and privilege that not all Christians are afforded and we shouldn’t take that lightly. We must be brave in sharing our own faults and failures, as well as providing a safe space for others to do the same.
Hold practical and organizational things loosely.
Meeting together regularly takes work and intention. There are schedules to align, meals to make, content to decide on and children to consider. Sometimes the time, place, or style of a group meeting becomes a reason for grumbling. We must resist the temptation to complain about these things. We all come into community with preferences, and not all of them will be met. This reality makes Christian community an excellent place for us to practice flexibility, charity and considering others above ourselves. Healthy groups will check-in with each other regularly about how the group is working and what practical improvements can be made.
Christian community can be a challenge at times, but it is cause for praise and not for grumbling. God is so kind to invite us into a family, into his church and into his communal nature. Let us do all we can to spread his glorious kingdom – in small group as it is in heaven.
*Here I am talking about disagreements and preferences and not abuse, which grieves the Lord and must not be tolerated in the church.